I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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