Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
