and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
