so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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