Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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