I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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