Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
