The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
