would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
