winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
