3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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