Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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