just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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