Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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