Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
