I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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