it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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