I just pynch a tree in the face
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
