My first STD was from a foam party
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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