So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
