Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
