can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
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I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
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So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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