My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
her vagine was all disorganized.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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