i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We need a shit load of segways right now
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
