I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
