That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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