Even the bartender felt bad for me
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
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the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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