I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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