I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
