need another drink. this is the easiest way
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
