I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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