Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
