How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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