I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
