You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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