the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
