My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
