that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
