If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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