Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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