I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
