dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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