How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm like, not good at living.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
