are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
