I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
