piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize