i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
