life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
