he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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