Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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