Define "chronic" masturbator.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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