I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My ATM looks so different sober.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
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