I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Found the puke drawer
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
