So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
