You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
