I molested 6 butterflies tonight
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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