well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
