Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
God I need to hump something, right now.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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